Jubilee is 7 days old today and for the first time, I have found myself with a moment to sit down and write.
My labor started 9 days ago, and from that moment, I have lost all concept of time. I seem to be living in a dream where space and time do not really matter, and it is only completely possible to focus on the moment, each moment, the beauty. Breathe. There is new life and love exploding from my heart, expectant hope. There is no fear.
Chris and I were at the birthing center alone, together, complete. In an upstairs room, we lay together in a bed beneath warm blankets and watched the candle light dancing on the walls, the space filled with beautiful music and prayers offered up. We called upon the holy spirit to come and to take control and we labored together through the night, breathing, harmony, one. At sunrise, I got up and took a hot shower, letting the water fall over my skin, my body tired already from labor. I was only a few centimeters dilated and I felt tired. I talked to Jesus then, knowing, or realizing rather, for the first time, that I could not do this in my own strength as a woman. He told me to remember than I can do all things through Christ who gives me all of the strength that I need.
Chris and I had breakfast together, warm wheat rolls with olives and avocados and oranges. My doula, Sarah, came to bring me some oregano tea to help with muscle relaxation. She stayed with me and massaged my back and belly and brought me so much comfort as a friend, a woman, a sister in birth. Labor continued into the night and every time our doctor, Angela, came to check me, there was only very slow progress. At 6pm, I was still only 5cm dilated. My heart sank with discouragement but Chris held me and told me not to be discouraged and we prayed together for God to do a miracle because we had already been in labor for so long and my water had been broken for more than 24 hours. Chris and I formed a bond during labor that I cannot seem to put into words because a series of syllables and jumbled letters does not do such a sacred thing justice. I can only say that we are different now, in spirit, in love.
The midwives fixed me a hot bath and I got into the water and felt to much peace. I lay there, listening to worship music, praying with my husband, watching the flickering candle light dance on the walls, tranquil, calm, thankful. We continued there for hours before Angela checked me again and told me that I was still at 5cm. I got out of the tub to try to walk around and see if I could make any progress. We labored together, Chris, Sarah, Angela, and I, for the next few hours. At 9pm, after being at Parkarii (the birthing center) for 24 hours, we had to make a choice. For the baby's safety, we decided to go to the hospital. At this point, I was having contractions every 4 minutes. Chris held me up as we walked to Angela's car, pausing a few times to make it though another contraction. The pain was not bad, but my heart ached with uncertainty because we had not planned to go to the hospital.
So we prayed, hands locked tightly, on the way to the hospital, leaving all of our fears in Jesus' hands. Chris' parents, his little brother, and my best friend, Jessica, were in a taxi behind us, following us to the hospital, Good Hope Clinic. As soon as we walked into the clinic, they took me down one hall while Chris signed us in. It was the first time we had been apart since I went into labor. My doctor, Angela, stayed with me while they hooked me up to an IV and took my vital signs. It seemed like forever, but finally they took me up to our hospital room where everyone was waiting for us. The doctor gave me pitocin and a few minutes later I was experiencing the strongest, most intense contractions, completely different from before. Chris, Jessica, and Mrs. Tamra stayed with me and helped me breathe through each one and nurses kept coming in to monitor Jubilee's heart rate. Then, one of the nurses asked if I still wanted to give birth in an unconventional position (not on my back) and I said yes so she went to prepare a place for us to go. A few minutes later, we said our goodbyes and Chris, Angela and I went to a special birthing room.
I spent the next few hours doing everything that we could think of, walking around, staying in a squat position, pushing. Finally Angela told me I was 10cm dilated and that Jubilee should be coming but she wasn't. Her head was positioned in a way that prevented her from making her way through the birth canal. Every time I pushed, she just kind of did a little semi turn and settled back into her old place! At this point, contractions were so strong and every two minutes, and between each one, I would fall asleep! I was so exhausted. But Angela and Chris were with me, supporting me, and Chris kept praying over us and I knew it would be okay. We were all sitting on the floor together at 4am when the doctor from the clinic came in to talk to Angela. I kept falling asleep and Chris was holding me and breathing with me through every contraction. Angela came back in and told us that we needed to have an emergency cesarean because my water had been broken for too long to wait any longer, for Jubilee's safety. In that moment, I had so much peace about the cesarean because all I cared about was Jubilee and her safety so we told them to take us in for surgery.
All of the sudden I was surrounded by people prepping me to go into the OR and I just closed my eyes and concentrated on staying focused and staying present. When contractions came, I focused, counted, and let them take their toll. My mama told me before I went into labor to think of the contractions as waves of the ocean, and so I did, letting them come and crash. It was okay to just feel them and to stay present through each one, even though it was painful, it was a process that would bring my daughter into the world. Then, the nurses took me into the OR and I realized that Chris couldn't come in. I felt panic rise in my chest and steal my breath and all I could do was say Jesus name and ask for His help. As soon as I did, the surgeon spoke to me, his eyes were kind, and he asked if they could pray for me. The team of nurses and doctors stopped then and held hands in a circle around me and prayed over the surgery, that Jesus would direct their hands and that the surgery would be used for His glory. Tears escaped from the corners of my eyes and I whispered to the, thank you. A nurse held me in her arms while they gave me an epidural and I felt my whole body slowly go numb. They put a blue sheet below my neck and I couldn't see anything but I could feel a strange tugging feeling on my stomach and I talked to Jesus out loud. I know you are here with me, I told Him. You have never left me. I am not alone.
And then I heard her cry for the first time, magical.
They brought her into my sight to clean her off and then they laid her beside my face. I imagine that in that moment they were giving me stitches, but I forgot about all of that. I put my cheek on hers and she looked right into my eyes, beautiful Jubilee Luna, her eyes so clear and big and full of life. I kissed her face and spent the most precious moments of my life there with her. They let Chris in to see her then and they left so that he could hold her. I fell asleep then and woke up a few hours later. My body ached, but my heart did not. It never felt to full, so alive.
They took me back upstairs then and not too long afterwards, I had my daughter in my arms. Skin to skin. I breastfed her and she looked up into my eyes, a feeling I can't quite describe but that you hold so dear to your heart if you have ever experienced it, such tenderness and love. Chris held her next, skin to skin. Joy overflowed, bathed our hearts and lifted our souls. I still feel as if I'm flying, and maybe I'll never come down, never stop, because my daughter is here, she is perfect, she is lovely beyond comparison. Chris and I went through 40 hours of labor together and then an emergency cesarean. We are so close, so much more than before. He is my love, my best friend, the one who held my hand and comforted me, who looked into our daughter's eyes and told her that she was so beautiful. He is our safe place, our protector, husband and father.
As a woman, I feel strong. My body went through so much, and in the end, Jubilee was born and she was healthy.
As a woman, I know that I would have never been able to go through 40 hours of labor without Jesus.
As a daughter of God, I have never felt to desperate for Jesus or so close to Him. There is something almost painful that happens in the soul when you see your baby for the first time and realize that she is no longer in to protection of the womb, safe. She is outside in the world, and my love for her and desire to protect her is almost heartbreaking. And Jesus whispers to me that He knows. He understands. That is how he feels for her too, for me, for you.
As a woman, I respect all types of birth, knowing that each birth is equally powerful and beautiful. So here's to you, my sisters who gave birth naturally, you are strong. To those who had a water birth, you are strong. To my sisters who had an epidural, you are strong. To those who had a cesarean, planned or emergency, you are strong. To those who didn't use pain medicine, you are strong. To those who did, you are strong.
You brought life into the world. you looked for the first time into those little eyes and fell in love. Your body might ache, but your heart is full.
4:32am, July 5, 2014.
My entire life forever changed, in the most beautiful and glorious way that a life can change. Welcome to the world, Jubilee Luna, my love for you is more than I ever thought possible to feel. I will cherish the memory of your birth and the transformation that took place in my own spirit during those 40 hours. I am a mother. I am so, so very blessed. and I am strong.
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